and useless country

Failure to qualify at the Shell V-Power event still lingers in my mind. I guess I am just not elite. Been doing this sim racing thing for almost half my life and I've never been a top driver; always anywhere from 2 to 6 seconds slower per lap compared to a fast guy or an alien. There must be something I don't understand, something I didn't learn, for I've always done this racing thing without supervision or guidance. And nowadays I am just too intoxicated and differently motivated.

Whatever happened to my confidence, my courage? Years of drug abuse and the demise of my band must have had something to do with it. But it was destroyed when I became infatuated with this pretty girl and I wanted so much to ask her out but I was afraid to ruin the memories of her teenage years. I had to be certain that I would have a positive effect in her life before I did anything. So I took a long look in the mirror, and I found nothing of value. It felt like there was this abyss between me and her, and I would have fallen into it and completely lost myself if I didn't sacrifice my self-belief.

No way am I blaming her for my racing troubles. I didn't even meet her really, let alone chat with her or any of that. I never saw her eyes and I hardly saw her face and it's hard to imagine all of it now. I just can't help but think that, if only I could see her again, or sit behind her somewhere for an hour or so like I did many years ago in Theology class... if I knew she was doing alright, maybe then it wouldn't matter so much that I'm just a backmarker and a grid filler. Maybe I'll win (saved by zero).