under my live body

2011 FiHS F1 World Championship

Round 9: Valencia

European Grand Prix Results

I expected to be way off as usual, but with some drivers absent and a few others running into trouble early I found myself fighting for P9 before the first round of pit stops. I was able to squeeze almost 20 laps out of the Primes and was in a decent position when two "Scotts" (Brown and Sebastian) started to reel me in. The Ferrari got past before the swing bridge  and I think a lap later the STR tried a move in the first corner and tapped me in the back. He spun as he went past me and as I turned in I hit him pretty bad. My car got real bent while the STR had to retire, but somehow I made it back to the pits. After a lengthy stop I was able to go out again but the balance was gone and I was losing the rear under heavy braking. I spun it several times and had to baby the car around the corners. Finally the brakes gave up and I had to retire. A shame really, as I think I could have finished 10th or better and scored points. 

Time is Dead

A week to go until the European Grand Prix at the big street circuit in the port of Valencia and I've only done a few recon laps. I should be practicing harder, but it is difficult to get motivated when one expects to be around 4-6 seconds slower per lap compared to the fast guys. Also, I'm feeling tired and sleepy from this latest detox attempt and all the little aches and pains that have recurred aren't helping any. Maybe I should just smoke up and drink up and feel numb like I used to... it won't help my lap times but at least I'll be enjoying the drive.

Valencia is a relatively new track, having been added to the F1 calendar only in 2008, but already I keep some significant memories from racing here. This is where I collided with "the Wizard" Steven Matthies in a bizarre blue flag incident while he was leading the race. It cost him the victory and severely compromised his championship bid that year. Believe it or not, I also won a race here (what?!) back when I was running with the Sofa King Racing League. Seems so unreal now but I guess it really did happen.

Butterfly Effect upon a wheel

This has gotta be a new low. Couldn't even stay awake waiting for the cable guy. I hope he comes back tomorrow or something. Maybe I should just figure out how to strip a coaxial cable properly myself. I don't remember having ever missed an appointment. This sort of thing just doesn't happen to me. My personal deterioration continues.

Maybe it is the detox attempt that has put me off. I feel constantly tired and sleepy and all the old injuries and aches and pains are acting up again. My body is all stiff and I have to shuffle around like some old man. Doesn't help that I've turned into a cyberchondriac. No use seeing a real doctor as I don't have any money for  treatment anyway.

My time and chance has passed and there really is nothing more I can do in this world or with this life. I've squandered all my opportunities and now it is just so difficult to get motivated about anything. Why should I clean up my act and try to be a better person? So I can afford a decent burial.

In between the world of physics and chemistry, and the realm of perception and memory, lies an eternal abyss known as cognitive dissonance. Imagination builds a bridge made of delusion and voila! The puzzle is solved, the lesson is learned, the secret is revealed. The creature wakes up and has become another slave to the dream.

Canada Race Report

坊やだからさ

What happened to the race reviews? I am tired of writing about and taking pictures of my being a backmarker. I must admit, sometimes I ask myself why I even bother. A-last-er, always last, a loser every week... it's not like I'm going to die if I retire. But when you have no self-esteem, well there's nothing to lose and therefore no reason to give up. Some bizarro motivation this must be, driven by bent logic and cold emotion. I don't recommend this state of mind.

There are a number of explanations for my lack of pace; no talent or skills, no guidance or supervision, no discipline or focus... let alone all the binge drinking and drug abuse. But I'm not sure if solving any of these problems will result in a gain of speed. And I don't think that winning races will restore my lost confidence. I realize that what I am doing, it is not about the competition and proving I'm quick, not about pushing the envelop and exploring the limits, not about working with others and being part of something bigger than me. No, it can't be about those things anymore.

(Configuring your delusion to induce frequent fight-or-flight state will lead to prolonged health and youth. So prepare for post traumatic stress disorder and the collective contempt from the burgeoning zombie apocalypse.)

Somewhere in the past my indoctrination failed, I lost my place in society, and descended into subhumanity. Somewhere in the future they will find my mummified remains still seated in the cockpit, ham fists still gripping the steering wheel, lead feet still pressing on the pedals. Time the Avenger; it makes everything that ain't Now, past or future, exists only as a possibility. And Now, online simulation racing is all I have. One flash of light, but no smoking pistol.

reckful driving

Turkey Race Report

Spain Race Report